angel dust neo

august 2, 2023

i'm so creatively empty lately. it's been forever since i've been able to write something more complicated than a roleplay post. i feel like i lost something, but i'm not sure exactly what that secret something is, or how to get it back.

maybe this public journaling business will be the ticket to it. because one thing i do remember leaving me along with my creative faculties was the ability to be vulnerable with people. i remember even posting on social media about how i'd post about my life and feelings less. because i felt like a burden, that my posts must be annoying to read, blah blah blah. i used to be able to just vent my thoughts whenever. maybe that's connected. but i'm not sure.

i'm just so afraid of people hating me. it's hard to get rid of that fear. even here on neocites - before anything, i check someone's page to see if they have me or someone like me in their dislikes or dni or whatever before i let myself enjoy their site. it's obsessive and dumb and doesn't do me any good.

that all ties into... i wish i could socialize more. it's really hard. conversations feel so "weighty", like a video game where you don't know the rules but the stage lasts forever... ugh. i guess there's nothing for it but to push through. maybe i'll start small: try to leave some comments on people's pages or something... even i can do that, right?